Friday, October 23, 2009

Things I have learned about New York/College

After several thousands of years, I am back with another blog post. I have a lot to say, but I will start with

Survival of the Northest (Most North)- If someone is from a city north of your home city and/or, in closer proximity to New York City, it is presumed they know more about NYC than you do, regardless of whether or not they have ever been to NYC before. If you find you know a piece of information about the city that they do not, it is best to reveal it to them as if they already knew it.
Person A (from San Diego) : I just found out the A line on the subway is undergoing repairs for the next two weeks!
Person B ( Green Bay): I know.
Person A: Ahh man, I should’ve asked you before walking all the way to the subway station.
Person B: Don’t worry buddy, you will get the hang of it eventually.

Despite the fact that Person A’s father lived in Queens, New York and he visited several times a year, and person B had never actually been in NYC before coming to school here, Person A respected Survival of the Northest, or the Northest rule. Thus he just avoided a potentially heated debate

The Exact Location of Long Island- looking at the ground could have saved much of my time spent searching for the location of long island. For those of you who don’t know, Brooklyn is on Long Island. People who claim to be form Long Island are generally from one of two counties north of here known as Nassau and Suffolk. Though Brooklyn is on Long Island, it is never really thought of in that way. There is a Hierarchy system in place as you approach the 5 boroughs of NYC. From Nassau and Suffolk there is Prince county, Queen’s county (which contains the borough Queens), King’s county (which contains Brooklyn), and I assume that makes Manhattan some kind of deity in the eyes of those who delegated names to the counties. Along with this we can assume Staten Island is the mute nephew of the region, and the Bronx is the delinquent uncle.

The Exact Location of Thugs, Criminals, and Lunatics- Brooklyn surprisingly is not the hang out place for all the scary people in NYC. There are scary people in Manhattan too….and we have already discussed the Bronx. (the scatter of criminals is true, but it’s honestly not that bad)

Bright Lights, Tall Buildings, and Elegant Shoeboxes- They say everything is bigger in Texas. But to someone who has only ever known that super-sized world, New York often looks as if it were built for elves. It is easy to be thrown off by many things in everyday life that we Texan’s rarely take into account. A New Yorker must consider, “can the subway withstand one more person? Because that big guy is headed our way.” And “Can I make it between those people and the columns, or will this end with me bouncing off that guy in the Giant’s jersey?” And so many other things we do regularly. The microwave, for instance, works very well, but only fits a bullion cube, or a neatly folded piece of gum. Luckily, I fit very well into crevices, so I am doing quite well.

People Smell Bad in Large Groups- that’s really all there is to it.

Upperclassmenn- The upperclassmen in college are surprisingly similar to upperclassmen in high school. They share with followers of the Northest (Most North) theory, an unshakable faith in their area of expertise. They share with High School upper classmen the belief that when talking to freshman, their area of expertise extends over almost everything. This is intensified by the art school vaccine: varying doses of self-importance’ that is apparently required of every art student. Like both Northest and high school upperclassmen they are generally good and interesting people, but require careful approach in certain situations. The main difference between high school and college upperclassmen the amount freshmen listen to them. College freshman are now generally the same size as their condescending counterparts, and are no longer impressed by their cool cars, especially in New York, where everyone rides the subway anyway.

Public Transportation- Would you like to ride the bus? Before you answer, let me help- you don’t want to ride the bus. It is similar to the annoyance of the school bus except the rowdy kids in the very back are now sleeping homeless people. Your best friend that you shared a seat with on the way to school is one of the alternating bus riding regulars who enjoys staring at you creepily through ancient eyes. Taxis are expensive, and in a pinch, they don’t like to come to Brooklyn (my theory is that Manhatteners and mad because Brooklyn Is still friend’s with the Bronx). Walking is impractical; although the whole city is on about 3/4ths of an acre, there are steal and glass mountains blocking most paths. That leaves one golden option, and this leads me to the next bullet.

The Magical Land That Lies Beneath Us- Subways are fun because they are like a circus you get to be apart of. There are often performers trying to earn money -break dancers on the trains, a 12 year old candy salesman I see every few weeks delivering the same speech, people playing the drums on various buckets, foreign people with instruments I have never heard of, theatrical individuals reciting a shockingly universal speech about their subway pass running out to passer Byers (my theory is includes a, etc. The atmosphere wouldn’t be complete without those people in attire that have to be some kind of costumes, for they are too odd to be real clothes. There is questionable food from shack venders, a constant humidity, and plenty of unidentifiable smells. Even the train helps. The sound of a subway train coming to a stop resembles the simultaneous combination of all the animals at the circus.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. You are a very entertaining writer, so I hope you keep it up. Maybe someday this will become a collection of essays that you will publish. I hope the compliment does not affect your degree of self-importance.